Oh God, the Pause.

I'd just told my story to Ben, a lawyer for Yahoo! whose childhood buddy is a friend. Not just any story, but the "coherent narrative of my professional career," as I imagine a more philosophical Martin Yate would say. About building a company and leaving it after 7 years--leaving it while it was making money! Sometimes I still can't believe it. I loved the people and my unlimited vacation allotment. At times doubt my sanity. Usually I can tell by the length of the pause whether my audience buys my story or thinks I got canned and am down on my luck. I know I would believe the latter.

"Why did I leave?" I ask myself during the pause. I know the answer, but only partly, and the reasons keep shifting month to month. "I'm ready to live by the ocean" or "I want my boys to grow up near the mountains." Recently I've settled for "My job became mundane--the IT equivalent of running a dry cleaners." All this is to say, I'm not nearly as rational as I used to believe.

I wanted more. More what? The money was good. I had freedom, worked with good friends. Sometimes I don't know why I did it. I usually feel this way when I'm talking to guys like Ben. In a second or two I'll either have a new friend who understands my angst or a dude shaking his head on the other end thinking, "How fast can I get off this call..."

Such is the odd business I'm in these days...